Navigating Some Tough Feelings

+ What I'm Reading, Watching & Eating This Week

I know I’m not alone in my struggle. We’re all slogging through in some way, carefully navigating our day, or maybe just surviving it until bedtime, when we can quiet our minds, hopeful to wake with a new outlook. I’ve been trying to figure out why my grief has been so dominant lately, and think it’s compounded by everything else going on in the world—that feeling when it’s coming at you from all sides.

The week was still filled with some moments of joy. A walk with the dog the other day surprised me with the first violet sighting of the season, a reminder that while the weather wavers between winter and spring, warmer days are assuredly on their way. The violets I spied aren’t quite ready for harvesting. I suspect that’ll happen in another week or two. I’m excited to make my annual batch of violet syrup to use in sodas, cakes and jam.

I went to the movies not once, but twice this week! First up was The Friend with Bill Murray and Naomi Watts. I wanted to love it more than I did, although it was a fine enough way to spend a Sunday afternoon last weekend. Thursday I drove across the river to a small, independent theater I like, and saw The Ballad of Wallis Island. As with The Friend, neither movie was life changing, or even left me thinking about them long after watching, but what attracted me to both was the common theme of longing and loss.

This week also brought a revelation about my relationship with parenting and grief. The girls were so young when Michael died, leaving me to play all the roles normally split between two parents. What I wish I knew then is that I don’t have to try and be everything. It’s like trying to walk with one leg, hobbling along, as if that’s how you’d always done it, instead of accepting the need to learn how to walk differently. I’ve always known this deep down, and yet ignored it, somehow letting an odd kind of survivor’s guilt take over.