✨Chocolate Gingerbread Doughnuts

revisiting day 130

While working on moving over some more gingerbread recipes from my old site, I came across a post I wrote just 130 days after Michael died. That was my relationship to time back then. Every day I moved forward was one day further I moved away from the life I had been building with him.

The last 12 years have of course proven the opposite. Maybe my life with him isn’t what I thought it would be but I’ve certainly not moved away from him. He’s as big a part of my life now as he was then, even if it’s in a different way. 

I often wonder what my life, and our children’s lives, would be like if we had been on the same journey together. The truly incredible part of the new life I’m building with Matthew, though, is that I don’t have to leave Michael behind. I carry him with me in this new relationship. Matthew makes jokes based on old stories I share, he even teases me in many of the same ways Michael used to. I know it crosses his mind that if Michael were still alive it means we wouldn’t be together, and yet both of us feel deeply that we were always meant to be part of each other’s stories–we both just had emotionally expensive entry fees to reach the point where our journeys finally intersected.

When I read old posts like the one I’m sharing below from 12 years ago, I’m reminded how far I’ve come while still staying exactly the same, my heart fueled by a deep love. The love for the family I began building with Michael, and an ever growing love for a new kind of family in this life I’m building with Matthew.